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March 31st, 2009
02:08 pm - rubbing someone the wrong way?
How do you know if you've done someone wrong if they won't talk to you? I hate feeling like this but if someone doesn't come forth, then I guess I'll just have to wait.
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March 29th, 2009
01:55 pm - hello again
Yes, I know, it's been a long time. But I will try to keep up with this journal. Lots of memories on here. I guess it's all I have since my paper journal got thrown into the Mississippi River.
Things never change. Have I changed? Maybe. Probably. But reading back to what I was going through even 5 years ago, I realize that things don't change. People change but sometimes not for the better. Better versions of themselves? I don't think so. Not always.
At least I have a new tori album and tour to look forward to. I know I'll catch hell for that too. I wish it was turning into May instead of April. I wish I could be as happy as my children. At least they are. Thanks to me.
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June 27th, 2008
08:03 pm - baby #2
So in about 7 weeks I'll be delivering baby #2. I'm very nervous about this one. Probably because I know I'm having a c-section and probably because I don't feel prepared. I hate that feeling. I want to feel in control, but it seems like I'm not in control of anything in my life anymore. Maybe control is just a selfish thing. Or maybe I'm just equating control with being selfish. I don't know. But it sure seems like I was happier when I was "in control".
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August 3rd, 2007
07:51 pm - song I wrote.....
don't know where this came from
Baby my eyes can’t see
The pain you’re causing me
But it’s my heart that suffers most
I keep waiting for that day
You’ll turn around my way
And tell me you’re sorry
And I don’t believe it’s going to happen
No, I don’t believe it’s going to happen
Because I keep lying to myself
And my poker face can hide
All the games I have inside
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August 2nd, 2007
12:52 pm - minneapolis bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down
God, how crazy that the bridge on 35W fell yesterday. So weird being that I am connected to it. It's like you watch the news but it doesn't really sink in because things happen all over the world, but then if something happens where you live or where you've been, then it's all real. Anyhow, maybe that's just the start to what could be worse things. Or maybe that's the worst of it?
Today is one of those days where I just wish I was still in bed. Ruby crapped in her kennel, Amelia was soooo crabby this morning, and hubby got a speeding ticket. But other than that, I'm at work, and I can't complain too much because at least I have a job, but still I'm at work.
I saw a newborn baby today. Makes me want to have another baby. I just can't decide if that's a good idea. I mean, are you really ever ready to have a child? I doubt it.
I've got too much on my mind.
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July 20th, 2007
12:30 pm - down and out in appleton
I'm at work. It's pointless to be here. I don't want to be here, but then again, I don't want to be anywhere. I don't want to exist. I wish I could just be the dust of someone who used to be. Does that mean I want out?
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June 18th, 2007
12:34 pm - the betrayal of a family member...
God, I don't even know what possesses me to be so angry about this. It's just a stupid wagon for Amelia, right? I shouldn't be mad that my friend offered me her used wagon and then retracted that and gave it to my sister-in-law, right? Right? Why aren't you answering? Oh yeah, that's right, diaries can't talk.
Today is one of those days where I want to scream profanities at the top of my lungs. Probably not the best idea to do so at work. But it's always something. Something is always wrong. I don't know what I would do with myself if I had a whole day where everything went swimmingly. I'd probably think it really was the end - at which point I would play The Doors and lay down like a buddhist who had just realized her time had come to leave this body formation and enter another state.
Anyways, this is about a wagon. A wagon for Amelia that my sister-in-law just had to have. Bitch!
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April 30th, 2007
08:54 pm - schmarget
Straight to Target in the morning for me! Gotta get my Tori poster! Yippee!!!!!
Love Miracle and My Posse Can Do - super cool tracks!
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April 19th, 2007
04:10 pm - don't toy around with my kiddie
What a roller coaster. Sitter says she can't watch Amelia anymore, so we take her out, she's devastated - she's only 18 months, but an 18 month old can get pretty upset, let me tell ya! So we bring her to another daycare - on the way out of taking the tour, fuck me, they have a picture of Bush in one window and a picture of Jesus in the other window - gee....there I stand with Bush on one side and Jesus on the other side and me in the middle holding my daugther as if I'm surrounded by vulchers! Suddenly the instinct to be a lioness kicks in. Back off! I will sink my teeth into your jugular - no problem!
So we took her there for a week and two days, then I put my foot down and said "enough". I can't justify bringing her to a place that not only she hates, but I hate. Yes, you can tell in just less than two weeks if the place you're at doesn't feel good. Always go with your gut.
She's back at the sitter. She missed Amelia and Amelia missed her. It's a good place - a safe place. I want her to be safe. It makes me feel safe and I need to be in a safe place emotionally. I want to thank her everyday for saving my life. My daughter, my love. :)
Amy
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March 28th, 2007
09:53 pm - daddy dear.....
I have a bad taste in my mouth
It's called your religion
You can't shove that down my throat anymore
I have my own opinions
Raise your book up daddy
You have been saved
"I remember feeling that way before" you say
"Before what?" I say, "before you lost your voice?"
What was once a smile and eyes of blue
Has turned to a timid flinch
Like a hypnic jerk
Just to remind you that dreams are not real
You were not found
You were blindfolded
If only the lambs knew what their wool was being taken for
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March 26th, 2007
09:10 pm - bloody work
Yesterday the sitter called - her kids were sick, so we couldn't bring Amelia there today. I took the day off of work, and it was so nice. She's getting so big and so fucking cute! Speaking of which, I have to start watching my language because she's starting to say more and more.
Anyhow, I had to go to work after hubby got home. It's really busy now. Tomorrow I have to go to the doctor, and then I'm off to work and I won't be getting a break tomorrow. Too much stuff to do.
It makes me sad when I think of all the time we spend working. Maybe if I had a job that I truly liked, it would be different. Like a bloody mary conniseur...or something!
I was thinking about how I haven't written any "poems" for a long time. Maybe because I don't have much to say? Or maybe because I'm not as angry as I used to be. I don't know. Maybe I should sit down with a pen and paper and see what happens. I hear things in my head, just don't have the opportunity to write....
Night....
Amy
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March 2nd, 2007
09:00 pm - what a beautiful song.....
Go get this song now!!!
The Cardigans - Communication
For 27 years I’ve been trying to believe and confide in
Different people I’ve found.
Some of them got closer then others
Some wouldn’t even bother and then you came around
I didn’t really know what to call you, you didn’t know me at all
But I was happy to explain.
I never really knew how to move you
So I tried to intrude through the little holes in your vanes
And I saw you
But that’s not an invitation
That’s all I get
If this is communication
I disconnect
I’ve seen you, I know you
But I don’t know
How to connect, so I disconnect
You always seem to know where to find me and I’m still here behind you
In the corner of your eye.
I’ll never really learn how the love you
But I know that I love you through the hole in the sky.
Where I see you
And that’s not an invitation
That’s all I get
If this is communication
I disconnect
I’ve seen you, I know you
But I don’t know
How to connect, so I disconnect
Well this is an invitation
It’s not a thread
If you want communication
That’s what you get
I’m talking and talking
But I don’t know
How to connect
And I hold a record for being patient
With your kind of hesitation
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February 24th, 2007
06:23 pm - new tori album
God, I can't wait until May!!!! Tori!!!! Hopefully a single will be released soon though! Or some leaked tracks.
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October 5th, 2006
10:15 pm - got a job!
Well, my job search is over. I was offered a job with an accounting firm. At least I don't have to worry about that. Although the pay isn't as good. Oh well.
:)
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August 23rd, 2006
06:57 pm
guess what! we're moving back to wisconsin!!!! yippee!
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March 26th, 2006
07:32 pm - new journal
for those of you who read this journal, i have a new one because wandering eyes annoy me....so email me if you want to know my new one
me.
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October 30th, 2005
12:14 pm - our daughter
It's been a long time, but I just wanted to update that our daughter Amelia was born on October 7th at 12:39 p.m. via c-section. She's nice and healthy and she has been eating quite a lot lately! She's very beautiful, and mommy and daddy don't get any sleep!!
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July 29th, 2005
May 17th, 2005
10:56 am - it's been a long time...
It's been a long time since I've updated my journal here. I have a new journal, a baby journal! So it seems my personal journal doesn't really exist anymore cause all I care about is this baby.
We're halfway there. This Friday we find out if we're having a boy or a girl. That is, if the little one is not being too shy. I'll have to have a cup of coffee before hand.
Things are good, I only had "morning sickness" for a couple weeks. Other than that, the pregnancy has been really good. No complications or problems at all. :)
That's it for now. I'm going to have a look around and see if tour dates have been posted yet for Tori's summer tour.
me....and baby
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February 5th, 2005
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